Today was supposed to be my soft launch, but instead I’m rebuilding my life after leaving again. I left again because after a total of over 16 years of dv 4 years 3 months in the clutch of his grasp. I have started over again, this time I’m mostly fiscally stable I have my rescue cat to keep me safe and I’m looking to get possession on my home asap once I get the offer in.
Love light, and powa babes. If you can buy some of my merch and help me and other non white femmes stay safe this time of year. http://aq_blake_lit_merch/myshopify.com
As you likely noticed I/ we have changed our website domain name. This is to better reflect the current focus on writing and other literary focuses including zir new business: Addison Blake Literary Co. After taking some time to write music that is presently in the process of being refined, Addison felt a calling in Zir soul and spirit to return to the extended literary process and start the draft to the sequel of Paralysis: Beating the Odds.
If you have read Paralysis: Beating the Odds I promise you are only twenty to twenty-five percent ready for the radically inclusive disabled indigi-queer Tell all that Addison has in the works for you. From trials and tribulations to fierce empowerment Addison has finally experienced a 180° in life and is ready to recount all that got the Cree, Metis, two spirit, disabled powerhouse to where ze is today in the form of an adult satirical/comical non fictitious work.
Thank you for your continued support and business,
Throughout this global outbreak we’re all supposed to be self isolating as much as possible to prevent and slow the spread. If you are chronically pained like me you may have been practicing social distancing or isolation for years already and enjoying a bit of a break from your social calendar to focus on your health (mental/physical/or spiritual). On the other hand I know a bunch of people that are experiencing cabin fever while cooped up in their homes. You’ll either enjoy the break or you’ll hate being told what to do and having to be safer from illness in your home.
If you’re bored out of your mind at home I would suggest reading books or participating in your hobbies. This break has been less favorable for my creativity due to my roommates being home, but has been great for reading and maintaining my physio therapy and workout routines. I’ve also been adapting to phoning the friends I would regularly see to both catch up and check in on them instead of just sending them a text. I’m finding it better to hear someones actual voice and laugh than to just read a text in their voice. I have been playing guitar and songwriting here and there but in the last three weeks I have not been working on an projects seriously or consistently.
This too shall pass, in the grand scheme of things we just have to make the most of it and access what worked for us and pick and choose what we want to return to when we have the opportunity to. I truly hope that social distancing is done before I move so that I can go back to school in the fall, but just like everyone else I’m just taking it all one day at a time.
Music has always been a large part of my life even when I was just a kid. I started to learn the acoustic guitar at six years of age, around ten I began to learn the organ, in high school band it was the alto saxophone. So it was to nobody’s surprise that I took the opportunity to relearn guitar as music therapy to rewire my hand after I experienced left side hemiplegia.
Now making music is my biggest cause of sukha. This is why I do my best to sit down every day, find the key that fits my mood and sing out whatever is stuck on my mind. It is my most common source of peace and emotional release. I used to bottle everything up until I was in tears, so for me music has been a way where I connect to my inner self and work through whatever is going on in my mind. When people think self care, they often just think its pampering yourself, but in reality it’s about taking care of yourself so that you feel better. Whether I laugh or cry my guitars and daily play are a part of my self care routine that keep me the most level.
When it comes to genuine songwriting I try to take a more deep and meaningful approach to lyrics and piece together the TAB after I’ve got the lyrics roughly drafted. For the music I’ve been writing for the last year and a half each song was either about a love or a trauma. For me it has been telling the not so kind truths that were all cut from my novel in a way where despite some of them not being the most positive topics, they still remain heartfelt songs.
We all have that one thing that brings us peace and I’m truly grateful mine is not fishing.
What brings you peace?
Disclaimer; this is entirely my own theory to which I do not have the resources to prove incorrect or correct. I do not think there’s science to back it, but I’ve always had a theory in reference to my paralysis that it was a physical manifestation of all of the emotional turmoil that was compartmentalized into different areas of my body as physical ailment. I say this because as I have dealt with a lot of “my shit” and in times where I have noticed an improvement in my mental health I have also noticed coinciding and parallel improvement in my recovery rate or rate of improvement in a muscle movement or strength.
I know for fact that I hold a lot of tension. While some have “no chill”, I have ” no relaxation”. I have been previously described as one of the most tense people some know. Everyone is always trying to get me to relax. This is why I have a pick that I fidget with whenever I leave my home these days. I find it significantly more discreet to flip a pick between just three fingers as if I were fiddling with a pen. There are however a few people in ny life that just being around them can bring me to a calm, zen place mentally where I feel most hippie-esque. It’s not just the zen in those scenarios it’s knowing that with those people I can let my guard down and be honest to a fault without social consequence. The ones who check on me when I’m quiet because they suspect that I’m not sleeping or my pain levels are higher than I’m openly admitting to.
Being chronically ill I fully acknowledge that I count my energy in spoons, sometimes I have five for the day and others it’s five for the week. I have no desire to be around those that suck the life out of me like a positive vibe leech. I prefer to only spend my free time with people that recharge my batteries with laughter, connection, and good conversation.a few acquaintances recently claimed that they never laugh as hard as they do with me with other people. I guess I’m just willing to try and find that heart chord in conversation that will make someone laugh until they cry because I am familiar with what used to be an internal abyss of darkness.
It requires years of self analysis and knowing my own physical limits to even begin to gauge the amount of energy (spoons) “re spoon theory” to try and gauge how much I can do in a day. Some days I have the spoons to complete an entire weeks to do list in half the day and others it takes me all day to complete a single thing because my pain levels are just too high. My transition and getting my hormone levels corrected was an act of creating more physical energy in my body and during good months even having more good days than bad.
Prime example: I recently had a 6 day migraine that left me with zero daily spoons so I mostly just ate when I had to, bathed, and rested. I can tolerate the pain, but the light sensitivity and nausea really knock me down a lot. I’m still trying to bounce back from it, but I’m regaining energy daily thanks to proper exercise and nutrition. The week prior to this pdin spike I had had more energy than I had in quite some time and was getting lots done so I anticipated being knocked on my ass, although I did not anticipate it being so bad.
With a little bit of caffeine I can push through most levels of pain expect my max pain tolerance, which in turn makes it that much harder to notice thet I’m pouring from an empty cup that lacks physical energy. At least I’ve gotten better at taking a week off when I need to. I may be stubborn and willing to do what I have to to get things done, but I understand that in being an empowered, disabled, two spirit woman I need time to rest and recharge, and I will enjoy every second of it.
What do you do when you need to rest?
It’s been a hot minute since I was left hemiplegic and my life changed forever. I sit here staring out the window on a overcast winter day with tears rolling down my face. My body trembles with the acknowledgement of all that has changed and what has maintained its original form. I wish I could say that I am still that person, but like a healing plant I’ve experienced some photosynthesis and began to blossom into an entirely new existence.
From wheelchair to Walker,
from cane to cane,
From leg brace to ankle brace,
I never left a trace,
The spirit of him still exists inside me,
But he rarely shows his face,
From from paralysis recovery to gender transition,
I never thought I’d be in this position,
I continue to heal to no appeal,
I wish someway we could just get real,
The pain lives on with me still in that feel,
Somehow I sit here it’s beyond surreal,
Behind this smile is the tears of my past,
The rivers from my eyes grew so vast,
Finding my culture hungry like a vulture,
From parallel bars to winning interpersonal wars,
I’ve always been up for the battle I’m getting back in the Saddle.
Love and light,
Over the last almost five years I have adjusted to the waves of my grief fairly well, yet both at the beginning of the year and around the anniversary of her passing I go numb for up to a couple weeks just stuck in the sadness of missing her and not being able to share all that has happened since that day with her. Luckily I know that this too will pass and whether it’s a couple days or a couple weeks I will bounce back and feel as I normally do again. This was not always the case, I was number for about a year and a half after her passing where all I felt was a numbness inside. No passion, or joy, or even hope just numbness.
This year it has hit me a little differently, but I think that is due to my upcoming surgery and actually having some things lined up for life once I’m post OP. It may have taken me a few years, but it feels like I am finally moving forward with my grief instead if living entrapped by it. Yes I still miss her, and I still cry, but that will never go away, it just happens significantly less frequently now. Grieving the loss of one of my childhood best friends at only seventeen years old, certainly helped when it came time to acknowledge and accept the grief that often occurs through points of a persons medical transition.
I am fortunate that my grief comes in waves that hit at the same times of tear annually so all I have to do is check the date when I feel that nothingness and acknowledge the source before letting the feeling pass after I’m done feeling it. For example today it hit me first thing in the morning so I decided to treat myself to enjoying my caffeine in my warm sunny backyard while music played in the background. This resulted in allowing myself to unpack what I felt and having the opportunity to get on with my day. Yes I enjoyed all three cups of coffee while a constant bead of tears streamed down both checks, but there’s nothing wrong with having a good cry from time to time as long as the feeling doesn’t control you.
I hope you are all well, do not hesitate to reach out to your support network when you need to talk.